MAD & SICK.

  A few seconds,hours,days,weeks and a month back,I was so pissed with myself .Not just that,I am totally damaged by my own self, my own actions, my own choice.Things that I souldn't be done or even think about it,my unwanted nightmare,my painful history are now my best friends.REPEAT:My worst enemy ever is now my best freind.
   I cried non-stop,thinking about the mistakes,the regret,the 'heart-attack',the uncounatble tears,the unsolved puzzle,the unanswered questions when this particular part of my life RETURNS.Honestly,I really don't know the mistakes that I shouldn't be done in this path.I mean I can see it but it is unclear,uncertain.I am still confuse and looking for the missing piece.No one how much have I suffer because of this mistake except for Him.I m half mad,insane,depressed and stress at the moment.
  Everyday,I put up my fake smile,the have-to-laugh face,act as if everything is fine but the truth?I m dying inside alone,crying painfully and hoping for the impossibles.I don't even know to whom I should share my feeling,my tears,my madness.So,I decided to see a psychiatrist soon enough.Yes,I m officially SICK.
  PS:I m thinking about leraning guitar.Why?I want to be a romantic person and maybe turn up my poems to songs.

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My own...All copy rights reserved..=)))

I m sorry for everything

from the start to the end 

because of the incident

This time we really begin to become far apart

This time it is so different

This time both of us are really full of hatred

***

U can put the blame on me

Because all this happened due to my attitudes

It is totally my fault for being a very SECRETIVE person

I m a girl who is full of negative thinking when it comes to myself too

But then it is just me

Me being myself and no one else

It dosen't mean I will not change or willing to

I will if I have to for you...

***

I may not be a smart,beautiful,cute,funny girl

I may not be that kind of girl that u keep on aiming for

I may not be the one who u will think about always

But one thing for sure is that

I have put zillions of hopes on us

I have try my very best

I have put a lot of effort

Is it going to be a mistake?

Nah,it doesn't really matter now...

***

U may still pissed off with me

And there is nothing I can do to change it

I can only give u time and spaces as u needed

to think,to make,to choose

What ever it is always look at things from diff perspectives

Never look it just from one corner

***

I m again sorry for everything

Regret and guilty are my middle name atm,

Sorry really seems to be the hardest word,huh

But this is the only thing that I can do now

And I know u r so sick of my 'SORRY'

But then again there is nothing else I can do

SORRY,SORRY &SORRY

I m trying to improve to be a better person

I m not giving up

I will never do so

Because I always have a solid reason

to keep holding on,to keep breathing,to keep leaving

Which is you,My boy

***

With Love,

Farah Ash

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I WILL WAIT FOR YOU....

  For sure,the first thing that come across your mind when u read this post's tittle is ELLIOTT YAMIN-WAIT FOR YOU.Yah sure it is kinda old school yet it has a very solid meaning behind those lyrics..Every single word of it means a lot to me.My boy,I will wait for you patiently no matter what.I have to for our own sake.If time and spaces are the two things that u really need right now,I will wait then.I believe that if U are really meant for me then u will be mine in the end and it doesn't matter what happen in the beginning or after it.Now,I  feel so lonely,no more calling u in the middle of the night,no more waiting for your text during the day,no more busy looking for a top up.This is so tough for me.It is hard to control myself from not to keep in touch with you at all till the day has come.But then again,I have to.I will wait for you.

  I m sorry because of the incident.Some how,it is my fault after all.But at least the truth has reavealed now instead of living with lies,drama and sadness.I never knew that I was being sellfish,I never realised it at all when it comes to you.The worst part is that I never asked about your wishes and dreams.I didn't see all these till the incident happened.If only I know all these early,I would change it.I didn't know that u r actually suffering slowly due to my attitude.U see I m very secretive especially when it comes to my privacy life.I don't like others being busy with my personal life.My friends?I m kinda anti-social actually.I only close to them during school hours or in class.I m not close with them at all when it comes to out side world.So,I don't tell them anything about my privacy life.Believe me,they don't know me well.I don't know them well too.On the other hand,u r a little bit different from me when it comes to these matters.U always spend time with friends,hang out,fooling around,watching movies together. I do know that I don't have a LIFE unlike u but I m still trying to mix around with others right now.I know that u r very close with them yet I didn't see 'it'. 

   Another bad attitude of mine is actually having a very low self confidence.It is not like I don't want to meet and know your freinds,it is just that I have this poor attitude.It scares me to the max to think about ur friends' opinions about us.I m scared to meet around with them because I think u will be embrassing to have me by your side.Every day,I wake up from bed and look myself in the mirror.I ask myself  'Why is it that I m such a fucking ugly creature?Why is it that I m such a shorty?Why is it that I m hunch?Why is that I have one eye brow,unsharp nose,ugly teeth and a very thin lips?Why is that I m such a jack ass?Why is that I m such a stupid student?Why is that I m very lazy?' Sometimes,I cry in the middle of night before go to bed to know that I have u who is way different from me in a lot of matters or fields.The thing that I keep questioning myself the most is 'Do I really deserve u whom is so perfect for me to have u?I think u should look for others,deserve some one who is way better than me.'Everyday,I try to look for the answers of my questions.I try to look at myself at a more positive side but I just don't have the ability to do so.I want u to know that to me u r way better than me,more hardworking and u have a LIFE even though I always nagging about u not being a sweet talker,romantic and stuffs.But deep down in my heart,I feel like u r such a perfecto person.

    These attitudes are just so me.It describes me perfectly.What ever it is,I will wait for you.I m so sorry because I ain't good enough for you and I hope I will,one day.This long wait is killing me.Every day,my life goes on and I feel so empty with out you in my life.Please make the right choice and just so u know till now I still love u so much.I still care about you and I hope that u know u r very important in my life.I guess I really don't appriciate U that much till I have reach to a point where I m going to loose you?     

With love,

Farah Ash

                           

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Random & shortest post so far...

  I am so thakful I m still alive right now,still inhaling the oxygen,still have the abilities to know what is right or wrong,still on the right track;I hope so.I m so thakful that u walked unto my life before though I feel a little bit regret about it.Why?It is because u walked into mine,gave me hope,gave the lesson of my life...Now,I truly  believe that there is no one else in this world who is so kind,faithful and sincere like u.. I feel like as if I m the stupidest girl for letting u go.I was a fool to let u go.But I am just another human being and can only proposes as God disposes. Believe me,ur girl is a very lucky one to have u.I am so jealous yet happy for u.I m jealous to see ur pics with her,to see the happiness between both of u...But then again,I m still happy for u.Loving some one doesn't mean u have to make sure that the one has to be yours always,sometimes it means u have to let the one's hands go so that the one will have the chance to look for a happy ending in his life instead of just having him by your side the whole time yet he feels suffer.Love needs a lot of sacrifices and it is so not about whether the sacrifices that being made are worth or not.It is about the joyness that u see in ur love one once he is no more yours.Though it is hurt to know that ur love one have moved on with out u in his life,u still have to be happy for him no matter how hard it is.I really can see the happiness clearly in your eyes,I can see clearly that u have a very happy life with out me,I can see clearly that I totally have lost you...
   I have to admit that it is one of the toughest moments in my life to look for ur replacer,the new boy,my one n only. Honestly,I feel so hurt right now. There are so many things in my mind right now and every single of it is making me crazy..I try my best to move on but why is it that it is so damn freaking hard for me to do so.U can do it easily but why can't I??? Is it God's punishement towards me for being a bad person,evil through out my whole life??Am i really such a bitch till God gave the thoughest challenge in my life???I m writing this at 3,4 o'clock in the morning instead of studying;my final is actually next week and I haven't prepare myself at all..DAMN!!! I just really have to express my emotions right now...I don't have the ability to control it anymore.My tears keep on rolling from these eyes since the first word that I typed in this post.It is just unstopable.
  All the sweet songs keep on playing in my head and they remind me of us.I want to hate u with all my heart but I failed to do so...=( I m just hurt so much right now,I really need a cure..I don't want to keep on being hurt because it is sooo,sooo sooo painful.I don't even know wheteher I can take it anymore..God,Please give me the strength to move on with this pathethic life of mine.No matter what,I want to die as a mukmin and not just another muslim...For now,I just don't get it and hopefully I will one day. I m so mad at myself,hating my self right now for everything.I mean everything..Because all of these wouldn't happen if only I decided not to do certain things back then.This is the most random post so far..VERY RANDOM and shortest too...

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Just started.........

  A new phrase in my life has just started...I m happy but still a bit confuse with it.I m so glad because I am given this great opportunity to finally do something that I love,to do something that is set on my mind a long time ago and to decide my own future instead of letting others to  decide it...I m confuse right now because I am still doubt about it;whether this path is the right path for me,whether I will regret it or will satisfy with it in the future.I m taking the one of the biggest risk of my life...
  The worst part of this choice is that I have lost my inspiration..The one who used to inspire me to be a lawyer.I m trying my best to full fill  'our' dream over here but u are just fooling around over there.As if,I m walking along this path with no signs,no light or no one that could lead me to keep on moving..Right now,I just have to go with the flow and hoping that some one,some day will come to the rescue.I will just try my best to keep holding on to this dream of mine.I m so lost with out my inspiration.I m just scared that this risk will be the biggest mistake ever in my life;besides not having u in my life anymore...However,I have to go on with my life with or with out u.
  I m starting to like everything over here except for the weather.It is extremely hot over here due to the the pollution of course..My class schedule is just fine.I love the fact that I m actually exploring the outside world by myself now...I have to look for myself now,no one to guide me or to protect me...Its all up to me now...I m learning how to become a very independent girl now...Why I love it???There is no specific reason..just love my life right now though there are still some things that I m not satisfied with it...
  Sorry because I haven't post anything on my blog for a very long time,I was too busy with my life back then...PFTTT.....I m just so confused right now....I m taking about my feeling....I have just opened the door of my heart to him but why is it that I still feel uneasy,unsatisfied,unhappy with it...This door of my heart has not been entered by anyone for ages now except for him of course...N I have decided to move on now,no more waiting for u;hoping that u will come back through my door,hoping for phone calls from u everyday,hoping to meet u again n do all the stuffs that we used to do...Because I m so tired of hoping n waiting for something that is so UNCERTAIN...Please don't ever giving up in our relationship,don't break my heart just like what he did to me n please don't ever hurt me.It is so painful....=( I do put millions of hope in our relationship but not too much because the truth is I m still scared that I will have to get through the very horrible part life of mine AGAIN....I don't want it,never ever.YES,I STILL HAVING PHOBIA when it comes to a relationship but it doesn't mean I have gave up in looking for my prince charm...My life regarding us has just started and I promise to u that U will never regret this because I will make u feel damn happy that will be endless...And it is all the matter of time so wait patiently....
   Back to my studies;My assingments are many,I m telling u the truth..hahahaha..I have done most of my assignments but I haven't start a single thing on my revision yet..YES,YES,YES,,I M SUCH A LAZY ASS....I prefer doing assignments than doing revision and I don't know why but it is just me...hahaha..So I wanted to share an assignmnet of mine but then,when I tried to put it up,I failed..technology and I will never be best friends...LOL....Luckily,I have computer class so that I won't be this dumb anymore...
   So yah,have a nice day and enjoy every single moment of life....N sorry for this lame short post.I just felt like updating my blog as soon as possible since it has been a long time I haven't post anything and my blog looks so dull..And I feel like sharing my new phrase of life,a new chapter....I will upgrade my blog in a week;my one week holiday will start in a week....And I guarantee that the next few posts will be very emotional...haha..

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