The doubt of choice. I don't know why but in the past few weeks,I have been thinking to change the path that I chose a few months back.I feel like turning back,undo everything and choose the other one instead.I feel like I should have said NO from the beginning.Is it too late now?Well,it is definately better be late than never.I know I should never regret but there is a mix up feeling in my heart.The worst part of all is that I m so damn freaking tired of everything.I m tired of crying over n over again,I m tired of wiping up my tears everytime each of it fell right from these eyes,I m tired lying to myself by telling that 'I can do it.It is just that I have to try harder or maybe I should be more patient,everything gonna be okay soon enough.' I m sick of it,from a to z.I m sick of pretending becoming someone I not.Every day,I play out my 'role' very well. I able to control my tears from dropping,I don't tell others the actual feelings of mine at this particular momment or how misrable my life is right now or even why my world is tearing apart. I always keep my mouth shut although there are times when I feel so down about it.I smile,laugh out loud with others,enjoying every single momment with them but those are only from the out side.Deep down in my heart,there are many stories,nightmares,dreams that I keep.
I am starting to feel doubt about deciding to stay instead of leaving.It is because of the existence of the 'foreign' element that come out from no where and it is actually all of sudden.I know I should stay,being loyal to my choice,being faithful to the path that I chose but this 'foreign' element is the only thing that make me to rethink about my decision.I don't even know why and I am still looking up for the answers.It is not like I didn't set up my mind to really stick to my path from the strat.This 'foreign' element is crawling slowly to enter my life with out me realising it.I mean it does exist in my life before but this time it really has become closer to me;closer and deeper as it should not be. It has reached to a point where I have to rethink back about my previous decision.I am trying to put a bigger boundries between me and 'it'.I m trying my best to run from it but the more I tried,the worse it is.It is weird to think about how drastic it can be.It starts with a little thing that is so normal but it ends up with a bizzare feeling inside.
My confound feelings are hunting me and forcing me to decide soon enough.Now,I m in delimma whether should I just face the 'foreign' element directly or not.I could not decide whether should I split it out or not and I am running out of time.To be worse,I actuall face this 'foreign' element every single day life of mine.I see 'it' right in front of my eyes every day yet I could not decide.I am fear of making the high-risk-upcoming-decision of mine.I know I should not be daunted by such things and must always keep my head up but I am freaking out to decide what's next in this paricular matter.Who wouldn't be?Problems are always my number one enemy that I m fear of but I know I have to face it somehow and if only I can look up for it now.
PS:I think by having too many probelms can lead me to become unsoundmind and the truth is I am already half way there.
The doubt of choice.
So not a crush or falling in love but just another bizarre feeling in me....
Do u know that I m amazed with ur intelligence in everything?Do u know that I still think that u not that hot as everyone claim yet I feel u r so lucky?Do u know that somehow I do envy u in a lot of matters? N most importantly,do u know that I m DYING to be get to know u better?
I do not know how but u do amaze me in a way that I could not understand.I have heard a lot of rumors about u.Nothing to be shock about as u r Mr popular after all.The goods and the bads about u. I don't even know why my hands keep on typing this post about u.I just feel like doing so.Lets not talk about how bad boys u are or how good u are at being fooling around with girls or how expert u are at sweet talk and winning a girl's heart. But,lets talk about how good your English is,how lucky u r to be u,how fortunate u are to for everything in your life.
First and foremost,I love your English.It is superb.No wonder u get Band 5. Everytime , I log in to my blog account,one of the first few blogs that I will be looking forward to is yours, of course. I like your blog is because of your way of writing and the content of your blog's posts. Too bad,sometimes u do set your blog to invited readers only. I do admit I am big fan of your blog and English.No doubt that u are such a sweet talker and kinda a player,u can easily express out your feelings,emotions in various ways.I think if we really are meant to be friends one day,I am going to ask u teach me how to be an expert like u in such things...
U r damn freaking lucky to be u and I hope u know that.Lets not talk about your look because it is kinda universal and beauty lies on the eyes of the beholder. But,look around u and u have everything in life. MONEY,family,friends,girls,the 'brain' and MONEY.U are Mr popular too.Just mention your name to the people of my hometown,they will start talking about u non-stop.U live in a harmony family yet rich too. U attend private university,have a black P****** car,spent a lot of money on such 'wasted' things and u have Macbook;I m dying to have it but still not yet having it.I envy u in this matter too.U will always have what u want,don't u?U are almost perfect and no wonder why girls are attracted to you.Take care of it and do appreciate everything the whole time because one day,u will feel regret for not doing so.
Last but not least,u are not that typical bad boy or notorious boy.U are such a brilliant guy. U don't have to work hard to gain good result.U are just so good at anything u do.I mean despite u being u;doing the typical bad boy's stuffs,u still manage to achieve success in your studies. I envy u in this matter. I hate u for having such intelligent brain.But,what the heck,God is always fair.
I really don't know u well but I do hope I will one day. U are the complicated type of homosapien but unique too.I hope that I will be your friend in fact close friends though I do know that it is a little bit impossible because we rarely meet each other and I don't think that u know my existence.To add to that,I m so not your type who just love socializing and sweet talking and spending money on a lot of luxuries stuffs. I am so incapable of doing it.OK,this sounds lame but I still wanna write this post about u.
I have this kind of bizarre feeling in my self where I m looking forward to know u,to have u in my life. But,not as my Mr right but as my friend or maybe BFF?It is bizarre yet true. I m not falling in love with u or having crush on u it just erm,erm I don't know the right word to describe it but for sure it is not about the love feeling but more towards the friendship feeling.Maybe because I have heard a lot about u and I wonder which is true which is not.This curiosity has lead me to have the feeling of wanting to know u.I am so looking forward to know u better,my-future-friend n don't worry,I m not falling for u.U are taken and I hope u already meet your happily ever after.I think I have found mine and I m not letting it drifts away again this time and the funniest thing is that I know u through him as he is one of your most important persons in your life;I think.
PS:Happy special day to u...U have turn 19 atm and I hope u have great life ahead of u,Mr OOO.....
Breathless
If our love was a fairytale ,I would charge in and rescue you,
On a yacht baby we would sail ,To an island where we’d say I do.
And if we had babies they would look like you ,It’d be so beautiful if that came true
You don’t even know how very special you are .
You leave me breathless,You’re everything good in my life
You leave me breathless ,I still can’t believe that you’re mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams ,So beautiful you’re leaving me
Breathless.
And if our love was a story book ,We would meet on the very first page
The last chapter would be about ,How I’m thankful for the life we’ve made .
And if we had babies they would have your eyes ,I would fall deeper watching you give life
You don’t even know how very special you are .
You leave me breathless ,You’re everything good in my life
You leave me breathless ,I still can’t believe that you’re mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams ,So beautiful you’re leaving me
You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me
You’re like an angel ,The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me
You’re something special ,I only hope that I’ll one day deserve what you give me
But all I can do is try ,Every day of my life .
You leave me breathless ,You’re everything good in my life ,You leave me breathless ,
I still can’t believe that you’re mine ,You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you’re leaving me ,Breathless,Breathless.
I don't know why but I am addict to this song,maybe cause it relates to me that much?Every single word of this lyric makes me so touch.It makes me feel empty.I prefer the Snowflaker remix that is in his album.I think I am going to learn this song by hard soon enough,if only n if only I have plenty of time.LOL. I feel like singing this song in front of u right now,maybe in the rain?Right in front of your house n a guitar in my hand?N maybe along with a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolate as well?At the end of my singing,I will definitely say 'SORRY for my man's voice.=.='''' I m a girl with a man's voice' PFFTTTTT....
PS:I wish I have a great voice.Like DUH!!!
Taking risk,making choices...
Life is all about taking risks.Every risk that we take decides our future.Being too much careful might cause us losing the most precious thing in the world.I have took mine.I took so many risks in the past.There are some that make the high risk pay off,there are some that are not worthy at all.But,everything happens for a reason. It's hard to accept life the way it is but we have to go on with it whether we like it or not. Every unforgettable disappointment that I went through,I make sure that I have a heart full of determination to go on with life and strong willing to move on.Sometimes,I bring along uncountable tears that always accompany me during the harsh time of life.There are some moments where I feel so down with my life,where I almost give up n surrender in this war of life.Then,all of sudden there will be some kind of inspiration that appear from no where n it makes me realize that life actually isn't that bad as we think.The world might judge us for every single action that we do n the truth is no one knows the reason behind it;Well,unless if we tell them.At this particular moment I m taking one of the biggest risks in my life,to do or not do?I always ask myself what's the main point of waiting and sticking to one if it will end unrequited or unexpected?I have my own reasons why I choose to take this risk even though the motive behind it still seem unclear.Others do label me as an idiot?Clueless? or maybe a stubborn yet a fool girl?The thing is they don't know what I m experiencing right now,they seriously don't know how I feel at this moment.I have so much in minds from my studies life to my personal life.They just don't get it,don't they? They should put themselves in my shoes,what will they do? I appreciate every single motivation or support that they give but I hope they just know me better. Yes,till now I do question myself on why I am taking this uncertain risk? Well,I always tell others that life is all about taking risk n making choices.It doesn't matter if it is the right one or not but it is always a big matter if we have put effort to the max on something that we believe on.It's better to try instead of not trying at all.This is what I hold to for the past 18 years and it makes me who I am.I will keep on wondering about the accuracy of my choices as I already choose to stay instead of leaving.I know as time passes by,I will have the answer in my hand.I tell myself ever single day that I will not regret in any of my choices.I m learning to erase the word 'regret' in my dictionary of life.
PS:I am phobia to take a high risk in life but I have learnt in a harsh way that life is all about taking risks.
So,never feel scared to take one!
Letting go.
Farah Ash.